About Me

I’m a 42 yr old female who innocently started taking Mirapex for Restless Leg Syndrome. Within less than six weeks of starting Mirapex I blindly began a compulsion and an obsession with going to the casino. With that first trip of which many, many more were to come, little did I know the possibility one of this drugs serious side effects could have outright destroyed me. My issue with Mirapex is not that there are serious side effects – my issue is I had a right to be informed of ALL the potential side effects they KNEW about.

4/25/10

Bottom's Up

I’m typing this on the way to the mall – the boyfriend (or the roommate or the friend –who knows what we are today) is driving. A couple things with this: 1. I have only 7.00 in my pocket (that’s suppose to take me until next payday - this Friday), I’m overdrawn in my checking account, and my car insurance will be canceling tonight due to non- payment. Point being there will be no ‘shopping’ for me as I once again – as I have in the last 18 months – spent my paycheck on gambling (slots). Not feeling sorry for myself in the least – just wondering like so many others who have sat in my addiction – when will it end? Is this my bottom? Oh and I forgot to mention – My health insurance is long gone (didn’t pay the premium – went into a slot machine), my house of 10 years was foreclosed on - last week the lock went on the doors – it is no longer mine, and about two weeks ago I watch as the ‘Recovery’ tow service hauled my car away – it was repossessed. I get calls from creditors daily and my mail box is consistently full of bills. So what is the big deal today about heading to the mall today? God does this feel good – really - its normal – I’m not sitting in the casino or sleeping off my all nighter from being at the casino, or off in lala land wonder when I can get to the casino, or feeling the guilt/shame/suicidal feelings that always follow in addition to wondering – “How am I going to make it through the next two weeks?” “God I can’t believe I did this AGAIN!!” “What bills do I pay, not pay?” and “Ok, if I can just somehow make it til two days before I get paid – I can write a check at the casino…” One would think that with all that I just said I would with out a doubt be done with my addiction… ya’d think… but why wasn’t I done nine months ago when I bounced four checks at the casino – that took me 3 months to pay that the cashier at the casino so nicely pointed out to me a few months back – during that time I also had high suicidal ideation – it resulted in that I didn’t gamble for 6 weeks after that. But I went back and went back again and cashed more checks. And it wouldn’t surprise me if I go back again. An almost sure bet that I wouldn’t for at least awhile is if I ended up in jail for driving with no insurance – I still have a few things left to lose - like my license and my job. I’m working on it. And also my relationship with the boyfriend (or the roommate or the friend – who knows what we are today).

So back to going to the mall – we’re almost there. He’s going shopping for clothes, for stuff for the fish tanks – he just stop and filled on the car, bought a couple of snacks – he can do those things cause he doesn’t have an addiction! He purchased plants, flowers for his garden yesterday he spent the weekend working on his house…. Me I slept, I read, I dreamed of what life will be like if I ever get over this. Ok, kinda hoping he buys me something – there is only thing I want right now – not my insurance paid, not new clothes, but a book I read on here…”Going for Broke.” Maybe someday I will be going to the mall to go shopping.

Well that went wonderful… lasted less than 5 mns. My cell phone was dead – got bits and pieces of an urgent call from my youngest son – asked the boyfriend (or the roommate or the friend – who knows what we are today) if I could use his phone… I should know that after almost 3 years – we don’t ask him for anything. No book, no walking around the mall just more of the same. Although the clothes looked so colorful, pretty, shiny – why couldn’t I have had a shopping addiction? Maybe I’d then have a cell phone with a decent battery.

I want to run, I want to go to the casino and I would if I had the means to. Oh I could find the means like by writing a check to fill up my gas tank (I have two other cars – old junkers), and then writing a check somewhere to get cash – and the whole thing would bring me relief – would for a moment bring me ‘fulfillment.’ It would make me feel good inside. – but its what I’ve always done – run. Gee – just had a thought –

An hour later…Forget the last thought. Well now I don’t have a home!! My how things take a turn fast. Yep he kicked me out, cops called and everything. This time he made sure that HE didn’t stop me as he has before when he has ‘kicked me out’. Not a first that’s for sure but it will be the last time. He called the police - the police wrote down my name – in the county that I work – don’t think he thought that one though – we both are in social work – he is a licensed social worker. Right now I’m at my middle sons house – oh god I almost ran out of gas getting here too.

Well, well, well… so is this what rock bottom looks like or is there more to come? I need my job, I need my license – the only things I have left… well I do have my checking account for the moment whether that’s good or bad. I need my job, I need my license, I kinda need a checking account.

It doesn’t surprise me where I am sitting today. One of the things I was going to include about why going shopping with the boyfriend felt good was that he has wanted to do things with me but because of my addiction (in addition to working a lot and going to school three nights a week) in the last 3 years we’ve spent little time together. I really tried this weekend….even went to my first GA Meeting Friday night… its been 13 days since I’ve been to the casino… not because its been an something I watned to do but ONLY because I haven’t had the money. Its where I’d be right now if I had the means to go.